Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.

That’s more my speed.

A recipe for laughter

me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving

Still laughing at this stupid meme

Why are bridges so flammable.

behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”

Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.

My favourite machine at the gym is the television.

Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.

Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.

Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.

told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately

I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.

I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.

Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?

Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here

WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?

ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.

Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker

If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.

– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!

Me: How are you doing?

4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!

Me: Same though.

I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter

What’s so funny?

2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!

Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?

2: I eat it.

Well that escalated quickly.

Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it

I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.

I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”

Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”

Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.

[after dinner]

Mugger: gimme your wallet.

Me: can I keep my drivers license?

Mugger: fine.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.

Me: oh.

Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: you know what forget it.