I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
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I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.