Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: have you had dinner yet?

Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.

I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages

Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?

Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words

Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that

me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs

my children:

me:

my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you

therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?

me: no thanks, I’m self-centered

therapist: again, that’s why we’re here

*the night I met my spouse*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

Me: Do you want some more toast?

3yo: Yes

Me: Pardon?

3yo: Yes

Me: Yes, what?

3yo: ……

Me: What’s the magic word?

3yo: Abracadabra

Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”

If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.

person: want to hold our baby?

me: why

*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*

[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”

coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad

Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out

If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.

me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend

[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!

“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”

When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

ME: I love you

HER:

ME: I said I love you

HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order

I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.

Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.

“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time

I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.

the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates

Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.

I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.

If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.

Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.