Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W

pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.

As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.

Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned

My kids:

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!

Me: Pretty good, yours?

Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?

Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?

‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’

(Me to my kids)

HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES

I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir

My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”

newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?

me: it’s fine by me

newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!

*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*

Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?

I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.

ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!

METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?

You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.

My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?

What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way

Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.

why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?

ME: check out this cordless trimmer

BARBER: stop calling me that.

Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen

Her: What do you do for fun?

Me: I write jokes about water vapor

Her: What’s that like?

M: It’s a gas

lmao😭🤣

I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.

Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact

“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”

SURE!

…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348

Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?

Dogs get it.

Next time, join in.

Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.

Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?

I’m the neighbor