Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
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Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.