@RorynotRoy

The girl that just walked by gave my dog a double take like she thought she might’ve gone to high school with him.

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@pant_leg

a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods

@longwall26

*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light

@Hormonella

If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.

@NewDadNotes

Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?

Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]

@markhoppus

Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.

@PopeAwesomeXIII

Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension

@MrGirlDad

I shaved my beard at my wife’s request and she is now coming to terms with having married a chubby nine-year-old.

@KevinFarzad

Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will

@chuuew

[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender