The girl that just walked by gave my dog a double take like she thought she might’ve gone to high school with him.

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a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods


*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light


If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.


Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?

Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]


Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.


Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension


I shaved my beard at my wife’s request and she is now coming to terms with having married a chubby nine-year-old.


Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will


[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender