Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *tells joke*

WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school

[later]

ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th

I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”

I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore

*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…

I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.

280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!

A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.

My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.

My safe word is “insufficient funds”.

Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’

Alarms are for people without children or puppies

Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health

Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.

airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb

I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets

You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.

You’re hopeless.

Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶

Me: “And a million dollars.”

Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶

Me: “And a million dollars.”

Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶

Me: “Agree to disagree.”

*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”

You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.

I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.

SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.

Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”

Me: *looks up from phone*

“What?”

The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.

5: I miss Mama’s food.

Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.

5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.

Me: oh.

5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.

The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate

you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club

WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM

*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!