Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?

hostess: table or booth

termite family: we’ll have both

Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.

“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here

Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria

*tourists taking photos*

Me: Any questions? Yes. You there

Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room

[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!

[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also

*Sad trombone noise*

Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”

IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training

me: *report as phishing*

What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!

– a parenting memoir

Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.

HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?

You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie

Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands

lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers

wife: anyone have a pen?

james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.

w: thanks…why 3 times?

jb: its an old pen

w: its a bomb isnt it!?!

jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ

Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!

Job interviewer:…and a weakness?

I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.

Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-

Romeo: LIFE

Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?

6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?

Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?

6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.

I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.

FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!

My comment: So was the Titanic.

You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.

If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.

Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.

I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.

(On a date)

Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.

Me: haha yeah that was a good call…

*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*

Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.

“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.