Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba

“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”

Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.

We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam

sam: yeah and you as well

host:

sam:

host: killer job sammy boy

WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.

ME: *barely audible* embargo pants

HER: Get out

Your husband’s super cute, is he single?

How my city treated us singles yesterday😮‍💨😩

Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it

What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?

[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]

CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?

ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio

Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.

I could win awards for having a bad memory.

In fact, I probably did. How would I know.

My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.

WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.

ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!

Husband opening his new radar detector…

Me- want me to run by really fast?

Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.

Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*

Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.

[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”

this is one of the funniest videos of all time

rest in peas

Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive

Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.

Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.

Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?

Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.

Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.

Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.

~poetry

– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!

HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes

MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed

Her: What’s with the bunny?

Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”

Her: Why?

Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.