the girlies are turning into genghis khan
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*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
is this how new cars are made??
baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.