Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*

20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—

40: wtf just happened

Him: Wanna see my prison tats?

Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys

Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in

Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.

I basically have 3 hairstyles…

Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.

JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all

GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this

CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*

interviewer: describe your hero

me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room

Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.

Do I like to live dangerously?

I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick

Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby

Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.

Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early

nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me

Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.

What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapes

What I could draw:
damaged stairs

Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?

the pigeons are already plenty salty

People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me

My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?

“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff

When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”

if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase

Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…

It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.

Amen.

ㅤ

Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me

Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.

“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”

– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said

Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk

So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY