the girlies are turning into genghis khan
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me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men