the girlies are turning into genghis khan
You Might Also Like
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.