Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.

If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.

How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons

🎉Made my last car payment 🎉

I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore

I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.

Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.

Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.

[arriving at the international space station]

other astronaut: so how are things down there

me: a bit chafed tbh

is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?

my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect

I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.

Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymore

Anyone else notice this?

me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25

slow driver in front of me:

My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.

This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.

the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:

[at the auto parts store]

Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler

Counter Guy: What size engine

A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird

doctor: why do you think you need this medication?

me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome

The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.

I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.

Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.

Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.

[First Date]

Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?

Me: Sure

Him to waiter: BLT, please

Me: I’ll have the same

I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.

That’ll blow his Lil mind

*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate

I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.