Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”

*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*

[arrest]

ME: you’ve got the wrong g-

COP: tell it to the judge

[court]

ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape

ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy

[4yrs later]

ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family

Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.

FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.

“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.

Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country

1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.

Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars

*pulls out 50 inch TV*

What? It’s really a phone.

For the ones in the back.

Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.

CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…

Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP

Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.

Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”

“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”

Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.

I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”

I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit

[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary

[months from now]

CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside

Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?

When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.

I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.

Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*

Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*

[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”