The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
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He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
🤣🤣
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
when you are just born a rebel
Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Good for him.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.