Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mission control: what’s happening up there??

Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem

Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.

Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine

Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut

I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.

My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

[on a 1st date]

Me: I’m just looking to take things slow

Her: *in a wedding dress* me too

The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered

“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing

Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year

Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers

Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.

girls in high school: we don’t like you

me: what if i was funny

girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-

me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class

Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.

It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.

If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.

Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea

Patient: what? I don’t understand

Me (starts slow clap)

I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.

Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.

One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony

[ancient greece]

teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis

hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine

socrates: I am examining what it means to be

ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear

birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it

Washing machine doesn’t give a shit

Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that

We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”

cat 911: what ur emergency

my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door

cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.

I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.