Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?

I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English

Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.

If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.

[A field]

*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*

Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.

~ my cats

I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.

Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.

Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.

<thud>

*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop

Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?

Me: this conversation.

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”

Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!

DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again

Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.

I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.

my dog: chomp, chomp

me: hey what’s in your mouth

my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM

If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate

i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind

Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p

Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*

2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you

Me, handing out Halloween candy

Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.

Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates

A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.

boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?

me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.

It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.