Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them

Guy: what do you know about crypto

Me: that’s a DC villain, right?

I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.

Me: I’m not old

My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:

For those that worship cheese..

If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats

Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.

My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.

Them: We’ve made this idiot proof

Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*

“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.

Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.

I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.

My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.

Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average

Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?

So cool that avocados come with those little wooden balls inside, I think I have collected the whole set

Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?

Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.

Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET

[End of day 1, building Rome]

Builder: We’ve finished, boss

Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks

*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*

It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life

I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”

Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.

I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.

My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.

Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”

Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.

2 Smurfs stand over a body…

“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”

Me: I have a Black Belt

Her: Karate?

Me: Faux leather. 40”