Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?

My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters

Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-

-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall

me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something

If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.

Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind

Calories in one pistachio: 4

Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753

Take that, kale.

Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie

I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions

Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.

[trying to make a new friend]

…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go

The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..

[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys

*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the

Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own

There’s a whole world of people out there!

*closes the door*

Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear

[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?

Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”

Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”

My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”

There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp

Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.

We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.

Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare

Me: I love you.

3yo: I love you

Me: Are you my big kid?

3yo: Yup

Me: Are you my sweet boy?

3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.

I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.

“I like to get off on the right foot.”

“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”