Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?

I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.

See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.

my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week

[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]

Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.

“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.

I was up all night reading about insomnia

Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.

Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.

Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.

The 3 types of Christmas movies:

1. Movies about Santa.

2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.

3. Die Hard

30 seconds left on the microwave

~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone

~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown

Kids: CARROTS?!

Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.

All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.

A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends

crochet youtube is brutal

16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’

Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’

Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’

W: ‘What was that??’

People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.

“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.

*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.

Me: Table for 1.

Host: Just 1?

Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?

Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games

sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big

Paramedic: What happened?

Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.

Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*

Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.

Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’

god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked

angel: wait what

god: I told you to make them meatier

angel: oh MEATier

I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work

Saint West, the patron of selfies

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.

Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.

You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.