The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
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ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!