The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
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It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.