Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.

I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.

Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.

I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.

yea so i messed up lol

[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.

Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”

WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?

I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.

I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.

Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.

saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face

Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.

I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.

They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.

[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]

me: aw i look so cute

my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?

People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”

“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”

Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅

My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it

handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat

JK it’s spam

Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.

*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.

Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.

*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.

Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.

*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*

May it please the Court.

“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.

I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.

Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.