Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.

I wish I had the confidence of this kitten who jumps up the same wall everyday thinking it’s gonna stick to it like Spider-Man

5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.

absolutely crushed dolphin wordle

My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies

Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave

My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂

I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?

I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.

The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup

Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out

Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m

God: Done

Angel: you can’t be finished

God: I am

Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-

God: aaand send

friend: let’s meet up soon

me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though

Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid

Just a friendly reminder!

In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.

Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.

FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.

Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.

Approached a patron who was cooking a pot of ramen at a study table and said “I’m sorry but you can’t do that in the library.”
Indignantly they responded “Where do you expect me to do it? At my house?”
And I was like “Well when you say it like that it does sound unreasonable.”

U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.

Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”

Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”

GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop

ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?

GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs

ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap

[i arrive in hell]

Satan: welcome

Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol

Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up

Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao

Satan:

Me:

Satan:

[i arrive in super hell]

Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.

*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*

Me: Yes, “nice.”

Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.

When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.

One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.

nobody:
ppl with clear cases:

*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule