The glockness monster
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Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?
Just a paranormal pants.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
family: we’re having ground turkey this year
me: okay but how do you know that turkey couldn’t fly
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
[help desk at the mall]
Her: can I help you?
Me: I want this desk to help me
Her: it doesn’t work that way
Me: it doesn’t look busy
Her: it’s a desk, sir
Me: a help desk
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.