Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.

Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!

Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?

Me: why…did it sneeze?

I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.

ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:

wat if harry poter was pokemon

A wise man once said nothing.

Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.

I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…

I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.

May your day taste like creamy soup.

* heats water for tea in the microwave *

* delights at the reactions from purists *

Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.

Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.

So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.

Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.

Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.

saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people

I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.

I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade

My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.

so this horse walks into a bar

I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…

penguins are just ducks going to a wedding

when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair

Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.

step 6: release the wall snake

72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.

I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park