The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
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My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
If you breakdance you buy dance.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Ores being fire proof makes me think maybe the Oreo doomsday vault is real after all.
BREAKING: NYPD has located the tunnel the assassin used to escape the city but found it to be merely a painting on a brick wall and smashed up several squad cars upon trying to enter it
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?