[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
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I just found a piece of pizza in my trash can. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!! WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING!!
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Therapist: resentment is like drinking poison in the vain hope it makes your enemies sick
Me: not if I’m banking on them eating my body
“Yes, I’m still single and underemployed, but at least I’m not MARRYING CHARLES MANSON” –women at family holiday gatherings from now on
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.