I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
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*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
School be like
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Just got to our Airbnb!
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community