The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
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broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.
Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?