Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.

Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.

it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978

Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.

I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.

Things I learnt from Avatar:

– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.

I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.

My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.

babe wake up, it’s stupid outside

He challenged me to eat just one chip.

So I had two. Dozen.

My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.

[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.

Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.

Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant

If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.

My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.

Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.

“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*

My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.

The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.

😏😏😏

what

Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!

Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!

Cowboy: I uh

Spider-Man: Go on!

Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs

I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?

Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT

Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.

Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.

Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.