The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer

Mrs The Godfather: WHAT

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Husband: Why are there broken condoms on our couch?

Wife: Would you please call our children by their real names.


Being a worm must great. Its like “wow that dirt was great I hope there’s more” and there always is


“What’re you in for?” “I had a solid tweet *takes drag off cigarette* and no one faved it. I just lost it.” “We’ve all been there, brother.”


Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.

Cat: Secretly? No.


Sorry my seductive strip tease to Janet Jackson’s Black Cat blew your Grandma’s pacemaker and caused your Mom to divorce your Dad.


Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”


Does anyone else’s belt turn into a Rubik’s cube when they have to piss like a racehorse?


[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.


Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.