Husband: Why are there broken condoms on our couch?
Wife: Would you please call our children by their real names.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
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Being a worm must great. Its like “wow that dirt was great I hope there’s more” and there always is
“What’re you in for?” “I had a solid tweet *takes drag off cigarette* and no one faved it. I just lost it.” “We’ve all been there, brother.”
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Sorry my seductive strip tease to Janet Jackson’s Black Cat blew your Grandma’s pacemaker and caused your Mom to divorce your Dad.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Does anyone else’s belt turn into a Rubik’s cube when they have to piss like a racehorse?
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.