The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
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You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.