The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
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*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
My 7yo said that boys were bothering her at school so she yelled math problems at them until they went away.
I have mad respect for this strategy 🙌
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Why are Facebook divorce announcements always like “it is with great sadness we have decided to end our journey together to take our own paths” and not “I can’t stand Cody anymore” or “We can no longer tolerate being in the same room any longer”?