“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
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WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.
Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?
Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
LMAO
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.
-husbands everywhere
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”