“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
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My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.