Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.

Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.

When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work

*Runs 6 miles*

*Adds Kenyan to resume*

The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.

No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?

I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.

I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.

When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting

A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.

I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.

I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy

She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.

Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?

*holds up 6 fingers* This many

Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990

The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete

Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you

Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.

First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera

Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose

You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan

When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.

I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise

Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.

My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.

My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining

I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.

Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.

Exec: *under breath* whoa

Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?

Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair