The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
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Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.