Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

Okay so I need to find and purchase this book

She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.

Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!

Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day

If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.

Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start

her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen

Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.

I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it

My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.

What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?

Merry Christmas everyone

Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you

Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.

Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.

They’re dead.

My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie

if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?

*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake

“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”

god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation

lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly

god: lol ok

If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.

I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.

Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.

Hotel garbage cans are way too small.

How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!

probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.

I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.

By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!