The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
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That earthquake could have been an email.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.