The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
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I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.