The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
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It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles