The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
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If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
waiter: are there any allergies at the table?
me (already drunk): BEES
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
RT if you could go either way.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”