The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
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4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
This guy is full of crap
-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”