The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
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As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that
Show me a better name for a sugar company.
Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
kevin is now a local weatherman
