Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air

[married people conversations]

Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?

Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Wife: that’s it! thanks!

“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.

We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man

The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.

my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’

Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy

i dont want to consume AI art for the same reason i dont call up my boys every sunday to watch a conveyor belt quickly and efficiently deliver a football to an endzone

They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.

YOGA CLASS

INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog

*loud thud

GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.

ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.

ME IN 2022:
Oh.

I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.

I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…

I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.

…So I’ve got like 4 hours left

Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.

My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?

Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy

My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries

My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…

look scared

I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.

Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.

*correctly programs VCR*

Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities

Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster

[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few

I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.

I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.

A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!

My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”

The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.

People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be

Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.

Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”

Me: “Nope.”

Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”

*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*

*calls to renew prescription*

I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.