Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth

Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.

Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids

None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.

sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet

Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand

She’ll love it

My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.

100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion

me, minding my own business as a vegan:

someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe

Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!

My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home

la cocaina

Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza. 
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.

I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.

Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.

[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.

I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.

JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days

Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?

Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?

Kid: Everything poops?

Me: Kinda

K: Trees don’t poop

M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen

K: So we’re breathing tree poop?

M:

K:

M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?

Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy

[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*

whenever i wake up before my alarm

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

me: how can I impress my date

friend: buy her dinner

me: ok

[later at the restaurant]
her: what?

me: I said how much do you want for your burger?

In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.

72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.

Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?

“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”