The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
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My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.