Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.

MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods

If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨

Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.

You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?

me: where do you live?

schrödinger’s cat: a box

me: I mean like what state

cat: both of them

my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience

This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen

You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me

As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.

I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me

6. me as a lawyer

[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”

I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on

due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches

*Shakespeare resetting his password*

“Enter new password.”

Fortnight

“Your password is two weeks.”

Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time

Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!

If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.

Follow me for more recipes.

Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.

* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *

Crab : My eyes are up here.

Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.

Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off

Me: Is it just me…

Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!

Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁

I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?

Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.

[saturday, 5am]

no one:

no one at all:

delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!

Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.