The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
You Might Also Like
wtf management?!
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.