The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
You Might Also Like
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
can’t believe I got front row seats
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.