Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.

Him: That was one time.

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.

The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”

My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.

always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away

Shrek + Akira = Shakira???

[zombie movie set]

Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”

*actors look around confused as heck*

Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.

swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed

I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.

Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.

women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed

Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.

Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.

Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.

It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim

German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s

[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.

Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.

You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.

The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in

I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out

Hotels are back

jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna

peter: ok let’s get you home

“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”

There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room

The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.

If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.