The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
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*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
rest in peas
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?
me: marry a chiropractor
I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.