The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
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Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
🤣😂🤣
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no