The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
You Might Also Like
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
THIS HEADLINE
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.