Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens

THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on

*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?

[comes home from store]

Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?

Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?

4yo: You have wrinkles.

My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.

Me: But you have them every day.

Friend: I sleep every night.

dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom

My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.

What if death gives you lemons?
What then??

*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*

WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.

[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.

Would make a brilliant taxi driver

My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.

Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.

[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator

When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.

And then start talking gibberish again.

me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea

[10pm]

me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea

Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.

People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.

me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok

The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.

In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.

I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.

You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.

[1st date]

“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”

Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th

Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.

Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.

I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”

Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.