Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.

A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.

I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.

I love the smell of relapse in the morning

my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you

Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”

How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts

Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.

What the hell is going on?

THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???

mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.

NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?

ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.

#lunchpun

She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome

“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog

Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.

Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?

I love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & always get a resounding “NO!”

And then someone will be asking for printer paper at 11pm.

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.

Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep

Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?

I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.

I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”

Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.

The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence

My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with