One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
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When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.