I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
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SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.