Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.

In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.

My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills

Mom: why are your eyes dilated

Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love

Mom: what were you looking at

Me: memes

Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by

do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus

“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out

I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of

Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection

How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”

“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.

Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.

Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.

I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.

Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.

You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.

The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”

Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.

But with a hell of a lot more swearing.

The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.

Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.

My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”

My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄

Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*

It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.

9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me

me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*

Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.

Everyone stop over reacting!

There was no Earthquake….

I slipped in the shower, these things happen…

Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?

🤣🤣

It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.

[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here