The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
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There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.
10: When there were dinosaurs?
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.