Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*

First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.

I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.

Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart

when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican

“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes

[first day as mortician]

My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.

Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?

WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT

Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*

God: *creates mom look*

Angel: Are you mad?

God: No, just disappointed

Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”

wife: I’m leaving you

me: is it because I cheated on you

wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen

the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os

I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”

I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”

If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.

Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.

Me: what should I say instead of bull-

Wife: shhh say snake instead.

Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.

I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.

The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.

Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing

Me: fine

[Later]

Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands

Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”

My oldest bra can smoke now.

Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.

A Lunch Poem:

Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).

Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.

Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.

When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.

Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M

old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something

FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!

Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.

I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great

[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]

Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.

is frankincense just very honest incense?