The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
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Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
I went to wash my teens clothes at a beach trip.
His backpack was full of alcohol. Almost no clothes.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.