The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
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I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Seek kebab; not attention
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry