@TheTweetOfGod

The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.

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@thenatewolf

*waits until a bird falls asleep, quietly creeps beside it’s nest*

HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO ARE YOU AWAKE!?!! HOW DO YOU LIKE THIS!?!

@murrman5

[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*

@CatherineLMK

Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.

@SonOfCha

Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!

@sickipediabot

So Harry Potter gets an invisibility cloak.. Does he sneak in and watch Hermione getting changed? No, he goes to the library

@ArfMeasures

Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would

Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet

@pungodly

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: I usually stay pretty still.

@djdarrellripley

Me: We need some ham.

Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.

Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?