Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.

dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:

What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?

When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.

i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog

In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.

I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits

They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.

*crashes vehicle*

“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”

*dies smiling*

This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.

*at casino*

When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.

It will leave him speechless.

I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.

when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce

I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment

Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”

Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.

Me: *petting my cat*

My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.

Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal

I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).

I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.

If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.

Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.

i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎

*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*

I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.

Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.

If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.

A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.

if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done