The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
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[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
#JohnTravolta
Become a minion. Get that bread.
whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Discuss
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
SCARY COSTUME
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.