Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.

If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.

For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.

How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.

My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater.

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time

Agatha Christie: hold my tea

Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny

The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.

[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst

Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.

I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?

Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:

Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.

kthanksbye

According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.

My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this

DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen

I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…

I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list

Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky

Vampire: don’t say it like that

A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?

I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.

My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.

I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?

“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.

I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.

Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening

Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker

I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”