The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.
The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.
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Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Ape together strong
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when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?