Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First day as a personal chef]

How do you take your poptart?

Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-

Me: wait you have WiFi?

Satan: of course.

Me: well that’s not so bad.

Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.

My boss looking around carefully before addressing the new student: There is no such thing…
*Looks around again*
As a stupid question

Me from under the desk: DOES A DRUNK CRAB WALK FORWARD?!

Boss: GODDAMIT!

I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.

Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?

*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*

Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.

i just really want crab legs

..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me

ME: we sure have one great kid

WIFE: we have two kids

ME: yes we do

When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.

It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.

It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.

How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.

My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?

Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets

The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.

getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.

[At the gym]

My body: WTF

Me: I know

Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?

Me: No, this is how it is from now on.

Body: *charley horse*

Me: Well played, bitch… well played

Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie

*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*

Me- owns 2 pairs of pants

My 8 month old, who has no where to go-

I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.

The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.

Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”

I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office

Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.

1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon

Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.

who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure