Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.

And I’ve still got time.

Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”

Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?

The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude

his wife is probably gonna see that

ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us

~~The crew of the Apollo-G

Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.

to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked

POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:

Quite off your apples

Jumping the night train to Milan

Sequin queen in the salad bar

Lickin’ with the wrong parts

Giddy-nope!

If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup

Flamingo laws

Stoplight the conference call

Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler

[polygraph test]

Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?

Me: Committed, or been caught?

Tester: …

Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.

*needle goes crazy*

Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.

Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??

You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud

What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?

An investigator.

“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.

I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.

[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?

My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.

Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.

It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me

You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.

So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.

[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]

Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.

ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy

SATAN: holy shit

Horrifying if literal: arm candy

You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…

[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”

Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day

Coming out of the dressing room at a store…

Me: What do think?

Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐

Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.

Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.

[gates of Valhalla]

ODIN: did you die in battle?

[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]

ME: ya

One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.