Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.

Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism

I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter

Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol

Benihana Chef: ha ha

Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much

If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.

In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.

*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*

My daughter is so critical…

“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”

I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.

hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?

Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.

My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.

Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..

Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…

…speaking for my kids, this checks out.

Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake

[interview]

Any questions?

“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”

No about working here

“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”

Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long

{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.

*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*

*picks her up when she turns 20*

WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.

We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”

Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.

sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob

my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.

me:

me: nooks and crannies?

him: it’s a kind of candy.

me: whew

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”

Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..

Her: Yes I did.

Me: No you didn’t.

Her: Yes I did.

Me: Oh you’re good!

My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.