Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”

GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro

[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder

Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:

Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%

A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.

72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response

Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!

Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?

Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.

[dog park]
Go get it, boy!

*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*

Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever

And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs

That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.

*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop

Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.

[45 minutes later]

*gallops up to window on stick horse*

“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign

Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-

*wakes up*

Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.

The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.

My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”

Make me look younger

i got 4 brain cells and they’re the Madagascar penguins

The charge in my beard trimmer died before I finished and I’ve never felt more sympathetic to women in my entire life.

I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.

the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done

I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.

To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.

My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.

“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”

My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”

Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.

*me looking at a police lineup*

Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.