The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
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I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago