The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
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If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Asking the real questions!
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t