The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
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Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Tell the colonel to bring it
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
The Joker was right
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
This is Sparta
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”