Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of

I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.

Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.

Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.

Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.

I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”

Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.

Family: Puts on last night’s movie.

Me: Falls asleep.

ME: What’s that on your wrist?

CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.

ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*

CW: That’s just a regular watch.

ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.

her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job

It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.

[self checkout]

daaaaang i look good

Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.

I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple

I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.

ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy

[4yrs later]

ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché

Do kids eat more under quarantine?

Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.

Boss “Are you high?”

Me “If I was high could I do this?”

*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”

[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister

Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent

I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.

My scale: I thought you were on a diet.

[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it

We all wear masks.

I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask

In 3…2…1

Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?

Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.

A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.