The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
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My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
[INFOMERCIAL]
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.