The good thing about being a chubby chaser is you don’t have to run very fast or very far.

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therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add to cart

therapist: no


Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:

Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer

LEGO Chewables

Nicotine Patch Dolls

Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House


Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”


Flash floods in Arizona last night. We nominate California and Texas. #ALSIceBucketChallenge


“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”

That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.


[My death bed]

*loved ones sobbing*

Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.


Can’t believe there are so many songs about love and only one where someone welcomes someone else to a jungle.


this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what


Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.


“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb