@Shot_Of_Cabo

The good thing about being a chubby chaser is you don’t have to run very fast or very far.

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@katelynn_rae01

therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add to cart

therapist: no

@Tmoney68

Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:

Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer

LEGO Chewables

Nicotine Patch Dolls

Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House

@TheThomason

Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”

@thetruealban

Flash floods in Arizona last night. We nominate California and Texas. #ALSIceBucketChallenge

@PinkCamoTO

“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”

That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.

@junejuly12

[My death bed]

*loved ones sobbing*

Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.

@kashanacauley

Can’t believe there are so many songs about love and only one where someone welcomes someone else to a jungle.

@GrantTanaka

this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what

@SirEviscerate

Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.

@peteholmes

“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb